relationships are just so scary because you just have to take a chance and hope to ___ that the person you love will like you forever and that’s a lot to ask of someone. since i’m not the most secure person, i think of all the variables that can happen between now and ____ and i just hope to ____ that this will work out forever.
“You might be sitting with him at the kitchen table drinking coffee from mismatched mugs and saying nothing because sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to say. He’s miles away, and you’re thinking you should take a shower or fix your hair or at least brush your teeth because you feel dirty and self-conscious. You wish the sun weren’t so bright on your face and you wish there was something other than corn flakes for breakfast so your stomach won’t start making hideous noises. You’re about to open your mouth and say something to break the silence, but he speaks first. He tilts his head slightly and says:
“You make me really happy.”
And you will agree he does, too.
I love you. And i’m not confused about it. I know i love you, i feel it in my heart. When i think of you it puts a smile to my face. Seeing your smile makes me fuzzy inside, and that makes me even happier. The way you giggle and look away and say “oh stop hehe”. I can’t believe i can see it clearly in my head. When you’re mad i’m sad. My feelings reflect upon yours. I am myself 100% no holding back with you. I don’t have to think, “if i say this he’ll think i’m weird” because you know i’m an oddball, you accept it and i love it. i love you. I love everything about you. yes, you’re the most selfish person i know, but you become so selfless when i am present, yes, you are so stubborn, and you love to ignore me when you get upset until you cool down, you say shit straight up knowing how it will affect me, and you decide what you only want to hear, blocking other shit out. We’ve dealt with it. We will also continue to. You’re my polar opposite. I’m nice, you’re not mr. nice guy. You’re loud, i’m quiet. You bring out the best in me, and you still love me at my worst. You’ve seen me at my lowest ever possible and stuck with me, no matter how broken i’ve been. No matter how many times i’ve fucked up. And i’m always staying here beside you. you’re the definition of ride or die. There is not one person that knows me as well as you. There is not one person that knows you like i do. I’ve seen your every side, and i’m still here. Always. You’re the one i can say i truly love, and mean it every bit. I’ve hurt you as you’ve hurt me. We always find a way to forgive each other because when two people love each other, forgiveness to any degree is possible. We make it all possible. It’s not about how we met, or how it could have been fate. It’s about the journey we’ve been through. Years, me changing, you changing, changing together. You get sick of people as time goes by but you, i haven’t gotten tired of you. There is not a day that goes by that i’ve ever thought of pushing you away. I remember you once tried, thinking it for the best. Being your usual selfish self. But guess what? Did it work? Hell nawwww. There’s nothing that can keep us apart. You are living miles and miles and miles away from me, we still keep contact. It’s not possible to find another you. I could try and look for another best friend, but will it be like our friendship? Never. Neither would i want it to be. I am so glad i met you. So mother fucking glad. I love you with all of my heart and soul andres ramon fuentes.
I look back on my writing every once and a while, and without fail this happens: anything written during an intense period of negative or overly melodramatic emotion makes me cringe, just cringe with the superfluousness of it all. The main reason I write, and keep this blog around is to remind myself that just as situations change, I change too. I write something, and within days, within hours sometimes, my sentiment has shifted. It’s not a progression, there is no end, no finish line, no self-actualization at the end of the dark tunnel. I make a good and honest effort to approach every moment of my life with peace, but that is impossible. I experience emotion as it is controlled by myself yes, but also as it is affected by hormones, by circumstance, by how much sleep I got the night before, how much sugar I ate. But what I’ve learned from this blog and from writing about my feelings on a fairly consistent basis is that again, nothing is constant. It’s why I encourage you to write, photograph, draw.. something to document your feelings. It seems silly, but when you can look at it out in front of you on paper you see the waves, the change and the patterns. The sadness passes, just like the ecstasy. Looking back on moments when I’ve felt deeply and written about it reminds me not only of their potency, but their ephemeralness. I feel emotion fully, marinate in its intensity sometimes, but I’ve learned to let it go, to move on to the next feeling as it comes. And that has become more helpful to me than any zen meditation you could offer.
This is truly a sad time. Most of our generation has lost the ability to think, to perceive, and to respond with conviction. It is rather amusing that a man or a woman can mesh a number of nice sounding words together, become revered for eloquent syntax, and fool thousands of people into thinking that his or her “thoughts” make sense. Sometimes the point of their thought is that they have no thought. There is no message to reap. There is no transcending truth. You’ve consumed empty substance for a long time and have been granted the false luxury of shitting out nothing.
Wake up people.
Ever notice that one person who knows a lot, but says very little? The soul gifted with knowledge and a balanced dose of humility. That one person who is always calm and speaks sparingly. The kinds of people who teach you more about who they are through their actions rather than obnoxious, boastful bickering. Those are the kinds of people I want in my life. Those are the kinds of people I respect.
Explaining your own sadness to people is like trying to teach a cat how to bark. It’s damn near impossible. The only time sadness makes sense is when you’re alone: saturday night in an empty theatre, driving in the car listening to the rain pound the window, or at a desolate restaurant—table for one, please. At times it can be unbearable. We are human after all. But in time you might recognize yourself as the only person you can depend on. To be your own ears, your own voice, and there is never anything wrong with being strong for yourself.
The joking man was simply teasing. He said words that were offensive, received a passionate reply, and turned the game around by saying, “Don’t have to get all mad.”
But my kind sir, I am not mad. I am impassioned. I wish to come up with the best reply not only because I enjoy the thrill of the debate, but because maybe I would like to make people like you feel like shit with half-assed wordplay for a living—just for kicks and all.
So let’s assume I am mad and I am angry. Am I not allowed to be? And so what if I take things seriously. Is it wrong if I want to show that I can think and speak up rather than just eat, shit, and sleep? You throw cheap tricks with boring sarcasm. You’ve got big words and clear motivations without a face to show. Most people these days just kick back and take the hit because they feel retaliating with words does nothing. But does it?
I want to write so well you’ll feel shitty for the rest of the day. I want to write so well my words dig into your cranium. I want to write so well you’ll try to top my opinions. Because that’s what I am: a man who enjoys exchanging words. If you have a better opinion, please offer it and try to change my mind. I am a stubborn fool but with great reason. My words will resonate within you; tear you up from the inside out like some alien vs. predator shit. I don’t have time for bitchassness. I only have time for words.
You are too fucked in the head to believe in a society that is too reserved to offer their convictions and voices. You like to take the easy way out. You pick at people and allow them to get mad. You turn the game around with cheap phrases like “Damn, why you mad?” or “Don’t gotta get all angry.” Yet why must you instigate? Do not play with fire young man for you will be burned bad by things you do not yet understand. And if you decide to proceed with such brashness, make sure you’ve got your character and beliefs on lock before somebody shakes them up and makes you feel like a fool for even whimpering.
People do not need to be quiet when they are offended. For some people, being attacked does not create anger and tension, it becomes a fun game to make others look like ill-minded fools. Should you hide who you are behind curtains, allow me to deteriorate the character you wish to display. You are nothing. You bark, but you have no bite. You laugh because you believe fools like me spend too much time into bitter nothings. But you’re wrong my kind sir. You are worth all the time in the world. If there is this one chance to ruin every part of your moral soul, I wish to choke you of all air—just for kicks of course.
I don’t hate people like you. But you amuse me, for sure.
We all stray at least once in our lives but sometimes we never find our way back. Aimless souls with no particular dreams. Smirks not smiles, chuckles not laughs. Wandering in the dark not even curious as to who turned off the light anymore. Laying under sun rays creeping through the blinds. Lifeless. Apathetic. Indifferent. The world is so serious, but why are we so amused?
Homie, you revolve your life around chasing women rather than your dreams. You lack ambition and motivation. You’re living with fluctuating emotions that aren’t gonna pay the bills. You got your whole life ahead of you to bump into some beautiful waitress at a fancy restaurant. Rethink your life. Get situated.
That frantic moment when you were 6 and you went grocery shopping with yo mama and she left you in a long line with a cart full of stuff and it was almost your turn to pay and yo mama wasn’t back yet when she specifically said “gimme 5 minutes I gotta get somethin right quick” and you panic because your poor 6 yr old soul don’t know what its gonna tell the cashier and then yo mama makes it back in the nick of time.
You stay in one place for too long and the people there will start solidifying an image of you. Like you’ll always be the same til the day they stick you in a coffin. One day you decide to say a new word or express a new lifestyle you feel suitable, buddy on the left gives you the brow like that’s weird or unacceptable. Some people can’t adjust to people changing. But that’s why we just keep moving forward until they realize how clueless they’ve been.